Thursday, August 28, 2008

Perfectly imperfect... what does that mean?

It Means simply this: I am Human. I make mistakes. but they do not define me It took me a long time to get to this point my life; To accept that I have done things that I am ashamed of. I spent several years thinking that I was walking around with every act of sin written on my face... and I felt utterly worthless. Now, I have always been a very spiritual person. But, I knew that this feeling of profound imperfection and worthlessness was putting a distance between me and the Lord. You'll have to excuse me, this is not a "preaching" blog. This is not its purpose... Its purpose is to share the innermost thoughts... no, to capture the essence of the life I have tried to create for my family... but, somehow I feel that this story reveals what I am all about. I remember, as a young mom, looking at my beautiful little girl... and thinking that I didn't deserve her. I remember looking at my loving husband.. and thinking I didn't deserve him. I remember sitting in the Hot shower for an hour... crying and crying... asking "God, how can you love me? I have done so much that was wrong." Then one day... I experienced a TRUE miracle! It was the day of the "hour long" shower. I was crying... thinking... crying... thinking of everything I had to be ashamed of. I had been feeling so desperate; Desperate to feel closer to God; To hear him say that I WAS forgiven... even if I didn't believe it. I will liken this feeling to the desperation of a child to be held by his mother.. to be comforted... to be love ( I see that desperation in my own child). Do you know the feeling you feel when you are warmly and truly lovingly embraced? Do you know that deep and earnest sigh of relief and satisfaction that you feel when you are safe and protected... accepted? THIS is the feeling that I was missing. I remember pacing around the house with the need to feel "close" to God. I needed to hear Him... I needed to hear His word! I prayed with all my heart and soul.. I prayed and prayed. When suddenly I felt a pressing urge... I wanted to hearthe words of the Lord. I felt the need to hear something; anything that would make me feel better. **Flashback*** That previous evening my husband had been cleaning out the car. His Sister had borrowed his car for the week, while hers was in the shop. And now I promise you.. I had not been with him when he had cleaned out the car. . . I remember her telling me about a new church she had been going to. I remember that she had told me that she had been listening to some CD's from the church. I had hope that one of these cd's woudl be left in the garage... and I felt something willing me in that direction. I went out to the garage.. and sure enough there WAS a CD. I poicked it up. My shaking hand put the CD into the player. I did not know... did not care what the Cd said.. I just knew that I needed to feel better. The man... the minister, preacher... whatever... spoke he said: "This is a CD about forgiveness" FORGIVENESS? that is exactly what I had been tormenting myself over! This was more than just plain coincidence... it was more that just happenstance.. things like this don't "just happen"! God was trying to speak to me! I listened. The man on the CD expressed the fact that the Lord forgives you when you come to him with repentance. He spoke of the need to forgive yourself. He said, " If you do not forgive yourself for your sins... then it means you do not believe in the Lord's ability to forgive you.' He said, 'if you do not believe in the Lord"s ability to forgive you, then you do not believe in the vastness of His love." He said, " If you do not believe in the vastness of His love, then you do not believe in HIM!! He said, " The only thing the Lord asks of us in return for His forgiveness, is to move according to His will. " "YES, make decisions according to His law... but ALSO to find His purpose for you.. and to devote yourself to IT." And as I glimpsed at my toddler gleefully running the halls. I knew right away. My purpose? well that was simple... God gave me a child when I least expected her. My purpose? is... motherhood.

the Lord, in his great love entrusted me with the must meaningful task in the world. He handed me a child with the faith and trust that I would care for that child as He would care for that child.

He must have had enormous faith in my abilities... to give me such a precious and sacred task.I made the decision right then and there that nothing would be more important than my child.

If the puts his trust so greatly in me, then I should, at the very least, try in earnestto live up to His expectations for me.

Motherhood is what I am devoted to... because motherhood is what I have been called to. A THOUGHT:

A Mother's Prayer Dear Lord, it's such a hectic day,
With little time to stop and pray.
For Life's been anything but calm,
Since You called me to be a mom.
Running errands, matching socks,
Building dreams with building blocks.
Cooking, cleaning and finding shoes,
And other stuff that children loose.
Fitting lids on bottled bugs,
Wiping tears and giving hugs.
A stack of last week's mail to read
-So where's the quiet time I need?
Yet, when I steal a moment, Lord,
Just at the sink, the ironing board,
To ask the blessings of Your grace,
I see then, in my small one's face,
That You have blessed me all the while,
And I stoop to kiss that precious smile. - unknown

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"A truly good book teaches me better than to read it. I must soon lay it
down, and commence living on its hint. What I began by reading, I must finish by
acting."- Henry David Thoreau.

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
-Proverbs 22:6