Monday, September 1, 2008

Fleeting moments

Today I find myself at odds with .....myself. I feel that I have been called to a number of grand things. The most important,of course, being motherhood. How could I not heed such a calling? To feel that the Lord himself has found me worthy enough to be entrusted with an innocent soul... is humbling to say the least. It is in this, the greatest of capacities, that I have been faced with the most challenges. I suit myself up for a job well done EVERY day. I invest my time, my love, my heart, and my soul to shape the precious lives before me. I work tirelessly to ensure that all I do is more than enough, and yet there are days when I feel that I should have done SO much more!! There are moments when I find that I have been so preoccupied with the washing of the dishes and the making of the beds... that I have neglected to do the ONE thing that I should live and breathe for... Contemplating and cherishing my children. Yes, I said contemplating... sitting in awe of their innocence, their unconditional love, and their joyous laughter. I could not do without these things. Have you ever experienced the calm... the peace that comes over you when you meditate upon these simple gifts? The piles of dirty laundry, the dirt upon the floor..... it suddenly seems to disappear. My little Cossette will soon be 8! And I find that she is suddenly behaving so much older. I wonder sometimes, in the fleeting moments of her life, if I have pushed this upon her myself... or maybe it is just that I have not taken the time to savor every sweet moment the way should. It is so easy to get caught up in the Hustle and bustle of daily routine... of daily life. I fall prey to it often. I think back to the day that Jonah was born. Oh, I was so happy to be bringing home a sibling for my daughter. I had wanted my daughter to be surrounded by brothers and sisters, as I had been. Month after month , I had waited with eager anticipation to be able to proclaim that I was expecting a second child. It wasn't until 3 years later that I would be able to make that proclamation. Cossette was four years old, she was my baby. I had never left her alone. We were always together. And I had hoped beyond hope, that I would not leave her feeling unloved or abandoned when the time came for me to have the baby. I took special care to buy her a special baby doll and diaper bag. I packed it full of baby diapers and wipes (just like mommy's), and I left her to go to the hospital. It was not until I returned home 2 days later, that I would suddenly realize the true "change" in my daughter's life. Cossette had a very special place in our lives. She was an only child. As parents, we doted on her. She had our complete love and attention... and she knew that at the end of the day, there would always be space for her in our little world. The night I brought Jonah home, was a whirlwind of constant activity. We had visitor after visitor and I was so exhausted. Cossette held the baby with such excitement and joy. She was proud, too, of her own little baby doll... which she had also named "Jonah", and she wanted to share him with all of us. I fell asleep that night, content. It was early the next morning, that I awoke to a sight that had made my heart weep for days.... Nay, I still weep when I recall this memory. It is an image that I have embedded in my memory, and a sad reminder of a little girl's experience of a changing world. In all the years, that my little Cossette, had lived... she had ALWAYS found a space for herself in our little world. But That night, when she had needed to be held, as she often did; She found that there was no room for her in my bed. And so, she quietly curled herself up in a little ball, and fell asleep on the floor. I think of this image often, when I look at my little girl. It is a constant reminder to me of how precious every moment with her is. I love both of my children so dearly, and I would never suggest even a hint of regret in having the two of them. There is plenty of room for both of them in my heart, and had Cossette woken me up that night, There would have been plenty of space for her in my bed.... No, this is far deeper than that. It is about a mother who witnessed her child rejected by those who loved her. It is about a Mother, who saw her child suffer with hurt. All the sadness and hurt that was in my child on that day,... I suffered too. For, I loved her without measure... and it was I that afforded her the pain. I cannot begin to tell you, How much this story means to me. It is Every time that I think upon this, that I think also upon our Blessed Mother. She too witnessed the hurt and Suffering of her child. It is an event in Her life that I cannot even begin to fathom. It is an event that I would not even dare to try to measure up to. But it is the perspective of a suffering mother, one who will not have the opportunity to comfort her son, that I draw inspiration from. I feel blessed beyond words, that in my child's hurt... I was able to hold and comfort her. I feel blessed beyond words, that there is still time for me to cherish these fleeting moments.

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"A truly good book teaches me better than to read it. I must soon lay it
down, and commence living on its hint. What I began by reading, I must finish by
acting."- Henry David Thoreau.

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
-Proverbs 22:6